Last night, I left my Tuesday night class early to address a problem with my car: the Check Oil light had just flashed on. Since then, I scheduled an appointment at Midas to have an oil change and I completed a homework assignment an entire week in advance. I am proud that I am making progress in my life--even just addressing a car issue and working on homework can be a small cause for joy: that is, I'm getting things that require my attention done.
Last night as well, however, an hour or so before I went to bed, I said to myself, "I am often riddled with anxiety and lonliness. But what feeling or conept is holding these negative feelings together? In other words, what is at the heart of my trepidation, sorrow, and feelings of inadequacy?" Then my mind, almost on cue, gave me the answer: Terror. I am terrified almost all the time, but my coping mechanisms have made me blind to these darker feelings of terror. I am terrified of living away from home, terrified of my own toxic masculinity, terrified of my own perfectionism, terrified of my overwhelming empathic abilities, terrified of moments when I don't have a lot of control over my life. I can offer so many examples of these manifestations of terror. But I would prefer to write about my feelings and thoughts as they come (i.e., in a freewrite), ultimately reassuring myself that the terror can be managed and that I--to flourish even more in life, not just in grad school--must learn from my terror so that I can use my stress and anixiety in less maladaptive ways. Perfectionism is often just an embodiment of anxiety. For most of my life, I have tried to be a perfect student, but such a student doesn't exist. When I asked my teacher last night, "May I leave early to address my car issue?" I felt anxious/insecure, as if I were jeapordizing my ego as a man, as a "perfect" male student, someone who practices rugged individualism and no-nonsense responsibility, someone who simply "toughens it out" and is "always prepared to make a laudable impression." When I was crying last night, thinking about the terror, I realized that my perfectionism, along with my toxic masculinity, was holding me back emotionally, intellectually, and psychologically. I came into my grad school program as an openly gay, progressive athiest with socialist leanings. Now I need to lean into my identity even more by asking myself, in part, "What is the point of the terror? What do I need to do to cope with the negativity better? That is, how can I begin to live my life so as NOT to 'defeat' fear, stress, or trepidation; instead, how can I cultivate greater meaning, gratitude, charisma, patience, and hope?" I am terrifed to flourish. I never though I would be terrified to create and embrace a life built on progress, especially since, once more, I identify as a progressive. But the terror of change haunts me--that I may lose control of my life, that I must, in response, learn to accept wholeheartedly this: even though I have little control over so many external factors life throws at people, how I cope and perceive such factors (e.g., hardships) matter more than being "perfect." I don't want to let others down. I want others to see me as relevant, kind, intelligent, and composed. All of this is understandable, but I can't control how people see me or treat me. I must, more to the point, change the paradim of my thinking and behavior while inviting vulnerability. Without vulnerability, I may become a complacent, nervous wreck. So, here are a few things I can do to flourish knowing I have the terror:
I hope to come up with more things to do to better myself. I am grateful to have a platform like Weebly to share my ideas and feelings. And I am grateful that I have the time to honor my soul and learn from my terror, which may not want to better my life, but I must stay open-minded and remain wholehearted to my potential. As I wrote in previous blog post: "We all need to embrace positivity. Each day is a new life. My life and yours matter because you and I say so. We must continue to review the facts, analyze them, and make the best choices we can to flourish, knowing the people who care about us the most—not just friendly acquaintances or allies—want us to succeed more and cherish ourselves better. Each day is a new life."
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Lately, I’ve been overwrought with stress, doubt, and anxiety—all of which has exacerbated my imposter syndrome and endangered my self-concept. After my first year in grad school—one of the most toxic times in my life—I’ve attempted to honor boundaries I created to protect my sense of self-worth from outside negativity. And despite the progress I’ve made to better myself emotionally, I still feel inadequate and shameful every week. Recently, I came across a fascinating YouTube video about a word that encapsulates my feelings: for a long time, I’ve been *languishing*. Psychologist Adam Grant explains: “Two decades of research show that languishing can disrupt your focus and dampen your motivation. It's also a risk factor for depression because languishing often lurks below the surface. You might not notice when your drive is dwindling, or your delight is dulling. You’re indifferent to your own indifference, which means you don't seek help and you might not even do anything to help yourself." In several instances in grad school, I’ve been told in some form or another that life is not meant to be happy, that languishing, however toxic it can be, is “normal” and expected, especially for creatives such as myself. Although life itself can be toxic, I refuse to normalize languishing as “just” a given in a creative’s life and dismiss happiness as something that “must” be seen as something trivial or transitory. I see happiness in a different way, in a way that will help me overcome my languishing and maximize my capacity to be even more enlightened, beneficent, and peaceful. My view of happiness derives from the philosopher Aristotle, who defined happiness not as “pleasure,” though it can be seen as that; instead, he equated happiness to human flourishing. Hence, sustainable happiness—the most important kind of joy—is not a moment of pleasure, but a process of continual human growth. To flourish even more, I must focus my energy in the present moment while neither ignoring the bad around me nor letting the bad convince me I’m unteachable, unlovable, or unremarkable. Psychologist Nancy Etcoff asserts: "When you think about it, people are happiest when in Flow, when they're absorbed in something out in the world, when they're with other people, when they're active, engaged in sports, focusing on a loved one, learning, having sex, whatever. They're not sitting in front of the mirror trying to figure themselves out, or thinking about themselves. These are not the periods when you feel happiest." More than ever before, we all need to embrace positivity. Each day is a new life. My life and yours matter because you and I say so. We must continue to review the facts, analyze them, and make the best choices we can to flourish, knowing the people who care about us the most—not just friendly acquaintances or allies—want us to succeed more and cherish ourselves better. Each day is a new life. |